Have you ever been in a conversation that you feel at best is just a waste of time; at worst, that the other person does not care? Have you been the messenger in some of them, the recipient in another?
We’ve all been there; at times with family, with friends, at work.
When at work, has this ever happened to you in a group meeting, at a one-on-one; when giving or receiving feedback?
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I knew the type of manager I wanted to be from the start of my mentorship. As I continued to navigate the waters, it became increasingly clear that the path I had chosen was appropriate, and therefore, the type of future colleagues I wanted to be surrounded by, and the type of mentors I wanted to continue seeking guidance from.
For me, the path has always been of being a leader over a manager. I believe I can attribute that, first and foremost, to my family’s values and principles, and the way my parents raised us. Secondly, my path in the martial arts gave me a solid foundation of what it takes to be a leader, be responsible for your actions, learn by doing, be disciplined, find balance, and lead by example.
If I focused just on my professional journey then I have to say that along the way, throughout my career I found good mentors and leads, as well as terrible managers. The former allowed me to find my own rhythm, nurturing as well as helping me iron-out certain details. Two(2) that were key:
- The value of listening
- Time management
The latter (the "terrible managers") also taught me what not to do, what to move away from, and what to avoid becoming. There is this saying that ”People don’t quit a job, they quit managers”. I would like to be a leader who is recognized for providing support to others during the time our paths intersected in their career, and not be someone they would want to forget.
I remember when I was younger, in one of my earliest jobs I was at a manufacturing company developing a payroll system. I was in my final years of university for my Bachelor’s degree. My boss at that time was also serving as a university professor where I was studying. His approach was the same in both environments, using intimidation and having no empathy to those reporting to him. I cannot remember ever receiving guidance from him, at school or at work. The day I presented my resignation still lives in my memory, the relief I felt with the clear conviction of never coming back.
Like every difficult situation, you have options, and for me it was about learning. I started to see the “art in good bureaucracy” and focused at a very young age on my EQ, by having patience, removing the noise and listening closely in order to find the opportunities.
In contrast, I have had great leaders. Even today, on occasions, I go for coffee with one of them regardless that we are both in different companies, and on different paths. She was, and is, a good listener and during those moments that we did not align, we still had a great respect for each other and I followed her because I trusted her.
Trust in a leader is foundational for effective teamwork and organizational success. When team members trust their leader, they are more likely to be motivated, committed, and open to collaboration. In addition, communication is key, and in order for you to be good at it, you need to also excel in active listening.
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Active listening, or being a good listener allows you to build a good relationship with your potential clients, as well as building and maintaining a good team. The quality and differentiation of a company's services depend on its talent (people), and their motivation to always give their best. Part of keeping that motivation is by you, as their lead, to have an open door policy and make time to listen. By genuinely acting as a good listener, leaders are giving the value that team members’ contribution deserves, as well as gaining insights that allow them to make informed decisions.
The value of listening
Here are some of the values:
- The communication will improve significantly, because team members that feel heard will result in building trust and therefore they will reciprocate by communicating openly. This will improve overall the culture of the group.
- Collaboration. Communication and collaboration are correlated. The previous point was about communication, and as you might have guessed, it will enable team collaboration. This will stir up brainstorming, standups and other ceremonies that will contribute with innovation, decision-making and finding solutions.
- Creates a more inclusive and productive workplace, where everyone feels valued.
- Employees that are heard are likely to engage, to be loyal to the company, and overall conflicts have a better chance to be addressed constructively.
In contrast,
When managers struggle with listening then they can set in motion a series of negative assumptions and emotions. One of them is “imposter syndrome”, meaning when a person (in this case can be your direct reports, or even peers) is doubting their abilities. This can result into:
- Insecurity and distrust.
- Fear of feedback.
- Control issues, leading to excessive micro management.
- Disconnect from the team and/or the company.
What a good listener is all about
Here are some recommendations to consider for becoming a better listener in the workplace:
- Be fully present. Listening with undivided attention and without predetermination. You are focused on the speaker for the duration of the session. You should be with a mindset of finding a solution, or to help/support, and not for your thoughts, words or body language to express judgment as your first reaction.
- Pace the conversation, do not rush the conversation, allowing to receive the message beyond the words (the nonverbal cues and tone of voice of the speaker).
- When solving conflict (ie. Addressing constructive feedback), as a manager/facilitator, you should listen to all voices, and get the facts; before expressing an opinion.
- Know the difference between an opinion (that are subjective) and unfunded comments, versus factual, grounded and/or valuable point of views.
- Know how to separate “feelings” vs “facts”.
- Ask meaningful questions and provide your POV (Point-of-view). This is with the purpose of bringing clarity, keeping engagement, and giving the clear impression to the other person that you are fully committed.
- Note: I established the premise at the outset of this list that the scope is “the workplace”, however it is worth mentioning that there will be occasions (i.e. with family, friends, peers, colleagues) that the other person is not really looking for an opinion, and just to be listened to.
- Going through key points, and summarising them, will help you become a better listener, and demonstrate to the other person your efforts for understanding and finding clarity.
- If you are in a follow-up meeting (i.e. Fortnightly one-on-one) then recalling inconclusive items from the previous conversation can be a good way to prompt and see if the other person would like to continue addressing them. It will showcase your good listening skills, your care for the employee, and your interest to help address the item/conflict/situation.
Other things that you can consider:
- Paraphrasing and reflect
- Practice patience and silence
- Avoid giving advice too soon
- Create opportunities for follow ups
Final words
I believe that listening is more than just a tool, I believe that it is more than just essential/foundational for good communication… Listening is a healing mechanism for the speaker and the listener, when done with intention.
Here are three (3) phrases that I would like to share with you before we conclude:
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- "Listening is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego, others over self" - Dean Jackson
- “Listening is often the only thing needed to help someone.” - Anonymous
- “The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.” - Alfred Brendel
